‘Sticks and stones will break my bones,’ begins the familiar saying, ‘But words will never hurt me.’ It’s a rhyme that many of us were taught at a very young age, often as a way of encouraging us to deal with nonphysical bullying at school and to brush off insults or nasty rumours.

When you apply the same saying to the context of a relationship instead of the playground, however, is it really right to dismiss harsh words as paltry offences? Would a single punch from one’s partner be more likely to make you decide to quit a relationship than several years of them constantly implying that you’re worthless or inadequate? Which, in your opinion, is worse? How careful do we have to be in what we say, and what our partner says? We spoke to Charis Wong, a licensed Marriage Therapist and experienced Counselling Psychologist from Kinterlink Marriage and Family Therapy Center:

What would you term ‘verbal abuse’?

‘Abuse’ is commonly defined as a use of power or position to belittle or break the trust and status in a relationship an abuser might be the breadwinner, the provider, or someone stronger than you. Physical abuse is harming someone, which is very obvious. With verbal abuse, you don’t see the harm it’s subtle, so no one knows it exists except the couple themselves.

Where physical abuse uses force and strength, you use words as your weapon instead. Verbal abuse also counts as psychological and emotional abuse, too; many female clients in verbally abusive relationships feel it is far more painful than physical abuse.

It’s a powerful weapon, and words really can kill. Recent research exploring the effect of abuse both physical and verbal on the mortality rate of older women, found that abuse significantly increased the mortality rate of female subjects. But it cuts through age, gender and strength: a younger person can verbally abuse an older person, and females can abuse males. It tears through all the typical stereotypes that we affiliate with physical abuse.

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